Valentine's Day -- Survival for Guys

Printed without Jaxonia comment -- It's not fair, but Valentine's Day is what it is!


By Sarah Miller

If you're a man who loves Valentine's Day, well, you're probably out buying a heart pendant at Kay Jewelers or making dinner reservations at a place called Whispers, and you don't need to sit down and read this. Plus you are probably wearing a tutu and I have heard it is hard to sit down in a tutu.

I don't care if you hate Valentine's Day. That's not the point.

The point is this is the day when SHE takes the temperature of your relationship�and, trust me, it pays to be healthy on Valentine's Day. You can do one really nice thing and you'll earn the right to spend the rest of the year deliciously scratching wherever you want to scratch.

A woman has had a good Valentine's Day if it inspires jealousy in her friends. I know that's not nice or sweet, but if you wanted nice and sweet you'd be on the phone right now with Karyn, the reservations manager at Whispers, and I happen to know you're not.

You so definitely don't want to put your girlfriend or wife in a position where one of her friends says, "What did you do for Valentine's Day?" and she is forced to say, "Oh, nothing," or, worse, "Oh, Jim got me some flowers, and then we went to Shoney's."

The key word for Valentine's Day is special. Dinner out is special, and it doesn't have to be expensive, but it should at least be dark. Mind you, dinner, though special, is not sufficient. There needs to be some kind of takeaway, a tangible object, proof of adoration.

Jewelry is always special. Cute bras and underwear are special�but they have to be expensive, or they are not special. Anything that feels flammable is not special. (Don't believe me? The MensHealth.com Valentine's survey of women backs me up.)

No money? Well, can you afford some glue? Some red glitter? Then you're in luck. Make a heart shape with the glue. Pour the glitter on the glue heart. Wait for it to dry. Shake off excess. Write "I love you" and your name, and prepare yourself for gratitude (probably sexual) and a year of serious coasting.

You don't even have to write "I love you." You can just sign your name. Why? Because you took the time to draw a heart with glue and glitter�that's why. It's something special, and it's that easy.

So, are you going to argue, or are you going out to buy some glue?

Good boy.

Hey! You lost! A primer on 'bipartisan' for the GOP

Go get 'em, Obi-bama!

For better or worse (usually worse) America runs on a two-party system. Simplistically speaking, we have liberals (Democrats) and conservatives (Republicans). For the past eight years the country has been headed by a Republican; for six of those years both Houses of Congress have also been Republican. During this time, our government has been very partisan. Liberal causes and agenda have been eliminated, minimized or back-burnered, while Conservative causes have been created, adopted and furthered.


You following so far? Good!

In the last two years, the voters in the country apparently have grown disenchanted with this path. The Liberal faction took over the complete Congress, and in 2008 they elected a Democratic president in a landslide vote, the largest plurality a Presidential candidate has enjoyed in over 16 years.


If the country followed the ideological battle lines set out in the Nixon years (us vs. them) we would now enter into a four or eight year period of liberal agenda, with the minority Conservatives fighting tooth and nail for their very survival.


But this time around the new, liberal president promised compromise, a coming together of a new spirit of cooperation and bipartisanship.


And that's just what he did and is doing. Now one would think that the Republicans, who were returning to Washington like survivors of the Bataan death march, would've grabbed this olive branch gratefully.


NAH! That's why they're Republicans. They're bred to the political purple -- vainglorious, back-biting, holier-than-thou heretics who have always been bad winners and worse losers. No mea culpas for them; they spent us from a surplus to a TRILLION dollar deficit, and have the effrontery to call Obama's stimulus package 'tax, spend and pork.' Like their air-waves leader, Rush Limbaugh, they not only want him to fail, they'll work hard to make it happen!


What do Republicans want? They want four years of depression and unemployment, four years of chaos in the Middle East and Afghanistan, four years of mortgage foreclosures, bank failures and big-company bankruptcies. They want to make Obama a one-term president, and get that $500,000 CEO salary cap rescinded.


Think about that in the next election cycle, people!